Why do I only have BEFORE photos?

Why do I only have before photosDear Diary, Today I realized that I have quite a collection of ‘BEFORE’ photos in my repertoire. I’m sure there are about 423 of them – and guess what diary? I don’t have a SINGLE ‘after’ photo.

Now do you suppose that I forgot to take that photo? Or maybe I never got to my ideal weight? OR, do you suppose I never truly defined what ‘after’ looked like so in my eyes I never got there?

Diary, today I am going to take an AFTER photo…. and I’m going to call it ‘AFTER’ my decision to change my life. What do you think?

after

I Went for a Walk Today – I’m OK

I went for a walk today

Dear Diary, I went for a walk today and I’m OK. After my successful walk around the block recently I decided to venture out to the world of ‘walkers’. You know, where healthy people gather to walk for miles and miles – THE PARK.  I woke up and proceeded to get my ‘gear’ on – I am ready to go – even though I almost lost oxygen to my brain as I bent over to put on my sneakers – due to belly block. I then proudly drove all the way to the park (a good mile and a half) and as I got out of my car with the posture of a pro, I eagerly approached the paved walkway leading toward the scenic breezy woods. It was early and still cool and crisp.  As I took my first few steps towards the path of winners, my mind began to process a combination of things. One was a feeling as though my body was thanking me for doing this little task – this task that will bring fresh air to my lungs, sun to my body for vitamin D, circulation to my heart and mobility to my joints. This act of walking would change my life for the better as I would have mental clarity and infinite energy throughout my day. I will look better and people will notice. On the other hand, the other part of me was freaking out from it all – saying ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING WOMAN –  I can’t breathe, I am stiff, my back hurts and I don’t think I’ll make it another inch. Stop this right now and go home’.

Oh well, Tomorrow is another day.

Just a Walk Around the Block – Or is it?

Just a walk around the block

Dear Diary, I know that for some, a walk around the block is nothing. Those are probably the very same people who actually use a shopping cart for groceries and not just to hold them up in the supermarket. (I am not the least embarrassed to proudly pull up to a cashier with a mere pack of gum in my cart).

For me and I’m sure others, walking to the end of the driveway could require a lot of energy and AIR! The big bad wolf has nothing on me when I huff and I puff until I get back to my ‘safe place’ to sit.

So diary, this is why I write today to say how proud of myself I am for my accomplishment. As I struggled to get my Velcro sneakers on to feel athletic and walk to the end of the driveway – FULLY expecting it to be a major strain on my lungs and body, I was hugely and pleasantly surprised to find the end of the driveway came way too soon for me. As a matter of fact, as I ventured out beyond the driveway to attempt to pass the house next door, I was once again amazed that I hadn’t died yet. I began to take inventory as I continued to take on this feat I hadn’t been able to for so long. ‘Does my back hurt? – NO, are my legs hurting? NO, How is my breathing? a bit short but very doable”. Wow, who is this person? I continued to smile from ear to ear as I made it around a good-sized block safely into that very long and previously unaccomplishable driveway.  Yay for me… today the block, tomorrow – no shopping cart!

3 Days in and I already feel better!

i feel better alreadyDear Diary, I started eating better 3 days ago. It amazes me how bad I can feel one day – bloated, achy and heavy breathing and in 3 days I feel more mobile and more mental clarity than I have in a long time. I woke in a better mood today and my joints feel better. I still have symptoms of my weight for goodness sakes, it’s only been 3 days after all, but I feel progress.YAY

It just baffles my why I try so hard to get on track for so long and then BAM, one day I feel like eating better with no effort at all. Sort of like when I gave up smoking 20 years ago. I couldn’t do it when I tried so hard, but then one day… I easily let them go.

I’m still in the ‘I wonder if this is going to last stage.” You know, feeling so good you want to build momentum and yet, leery because of what happened the last time when I felt this way? I must have gone back to wanting foods that hold me back more than I wanted to feel alive and free and feeling amazing.

I’m doing some different things now. I’m not setting so many boundaries and rules. I am committed to creating a gentle experience and not to white knuckle it this time. I meditate on how I see myself looking and feeling. Not a visual as much as a feeling or vibration. It’s amazing. It doesn’t feel like a vision at all, it feels like it’s the REAL me and not someone I am trying to become. I once read that when they asked Michelangelo how he made his statue of David he is reported to have said, “It is easy. You just chip away the stone that doesn’t look like David.”  Wouldn’t that be great if all I have to do is remove all the parts that aren’t the real Fran? I like the way it feels… so of course I will try.

I’m still using the scale to measure success. I would like to give that up. For now, I’ll humor myself. Fact is, if it doesn’t say 120 pounds, I’m going to be disappointed. That’s a long way away.