To Sag or Not to Sag

to sag or not to sag

To Sag or Not to Sag- Dear Diary, I have some crazy thinking going on inside my head and I could really use your help.

You know I have this plumpness about me right? My face is plump, my legs, belly and butt are plump and even though I am large, my plumpness seems to keep my skin looking supple…

So when I lose weight, will I sag everywhere? I don’t want everything I own to fall to China as I reduce. Is it just me or are other women concerned about whether they will look worse when they lose weight or not?

I’m thinking I should just continue eating cheap empty food that keeps me pleasantly plump, overweight and unhealthy – you know –  to keep me wrinkle and sag free. Just think of all the money I will save on plastic surgery – No?

HEY, I LOST HALF A POUND – SO WHY HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED?

I lost half a pound

Dear Diary, When I gain an ounce of weight, it is so noticeable. I can feel my clothes becoming tighter, my face gets puffy and I just look…well… guilty. Like it’s obvious that I ate a whole pizza at 3:00 am. People notice – sometimes they say something and other times.. they give the ‘look’ as if to let me know that they know.

And now that I have been on track and doing all the right things,  I can’t believe no one noticed that I lost weight. After all, I lost a whole half a pound! I feel better, I am being diligent and I want someone to notice – is that so wrong?

Maybe I can send out an email blast about it – or maybe I should make up T Shirts for each of my milestones so I can announce my accomplishment. I WANT to be acknowledged. Let’s face it – I want to be fed, and if I can’t be fed food, I want to be fed lots of compliments.

IS THERE A 12 STEP PROGRAM FOR THAT?

Is there a 12 Step program for that

Dear Diary. When I began my wellness regime, I knew I would want to give up a few things to feel better and lose weight. I expected to miss those things and want to indulge in them from time to time. I presume everyone goes through that.

I’ve geared myself up to handle these cravings with gentleness and patience.

BUT – What really blew my mind was when I found myself trying to suck the salt out of my homemade vegetable soup. There was a bit of salt in there but apparently not enough to satisfy this insatiable desire to become a human salt lick. What happened to craving chocolate or sugar or pasta? With complete and utter surprise,  I would gladly trade them all in for a moment alone with my salt shaker. What the?

It has all become clear to me now…. all these years – the desire for cheese and chips was really all about the salt, wasn’t it?  Remove the pasta and the potato and leave a puddle of salt please.

I am actually angry when my food lacks enough salt. ANGRY…. can you believe it? Now that’s scary. And why hasn’t anyone mentioned this to me before? Not a doctor or a fellow over-eater. Does anyone else have a salt addiction? Is there a 12 Step Program for that?

All I know is my cankles are thanking me for the low sodium… but my tongue hates me with a passion.

Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t –

damned if I do damned if I dont

Dear Diary, why is it that those same people who were concerned about me losing weight for my health and well-being – Those very same people who would make faces when they witnessed the large quantities of food I ate at the restaurant last week – and those very same people who even if they never opened their mouths would ooze out their disapproval of my very existence as a large woman – WHY IS IT THAT THEY – those ‘loved ones’ are upset that I won’t go to dinner with them, eat at their house or eat ‘real food’?  Seems as though they want me to be JUST like them and their eating habits. I can’t win if I am trying to by their standards. So I will just have to be my own cheerleader and support system. They don’t have a clue. All I can do is love them and hope for Karma to step in.

My 400 ingredient Smoothie

My 400 Ingredient smoothie

Dear Diary, So if smoothies are good for me and I have a list of foods that are good for me – then if I put all those ingredients into my smoothie at one time and hold my nose while I drink it, do I get brownie points for inundating my body with all that it needs in one shot? I’m sure that’s how they make multi – vitamins.. only I didn’t dehydrate and encapsulate… right?  Just sayin

I’m sorry for saying ‘brownie’ points… rice cake points didn’t seem to have the same impact.

My Big Girl Chair – Dropped me like a hot potato

My big girl chairDear Diary, I purposely bought a folding chair that was comfortable and portable so I wouldn’t ‘worry’ that I was going to be without a place to sit in my yard or at the home of others. So why did it drop me like a hot potato the other day while I was enjoying my afternoon siesta?

There I was, minding my own business. Enjoying the lake view as the sun set behind the woods. What a glorious moment.  But then….when I tried to get up to go inside, something felt terribly ‘off’. As I pushed myself up from the arms I felt one shift, then another. Next thing you know I’m in the middle of a collapse that felt like a demolition site as the chair imploded – right from under me. One joint at a time. It was in slow motion. I went down in disbelief and without much resistance. I went for the ride. When I finally hit bottom surrounded by broken rusty screws and disassembled metal parts, I knew it was time to get up…. and I did, with the help of another chair to keep me from getting bruised in all the rubble. Thank goodness all that was bruised was my ego. Does anyone break a chair who is 120 pounds? If so, I’d love to hear from you.

My chair – it let me down – literally. I know I left it out in the rain several times. I know it’s 10 years old. I know I am 50 pounds more than its maximum weight… but HEY!

Amazon….. hurry up with my new chair.

Why is everything I eat BROWN?

why is everything i eat brown diary of a mad dieterDear Diary, As a ‘most of the time’ vegetarian, my friend once asked me why everything I eat is brown. Now that’s not true of course but sometimes I do look at my food and wonder – Is that Mud or Mushroom pate? I don’t really mind the way it looks… but others seem to…. and it really puts a damper on things when they gag while I eat.  I try to let them taste it. The results vary from ‘mmmm’ with a pleasantly surprised look insinuating that they doubted anything good for you might taste OK to ‘OMG what the hell is that’? as they spit into a napkin while holding their stomach and running for a glass of water. (And they call me the drama queen)

Over the years, when I am eating well, I just keep my food to myself. Some may think I am being selfish as I hoard my personal serving. It’s really for self-preservation so I don’t have to feel bad, defensive or deprived. Go away and eat your french fries and leave me alone.