Why do I only have BEFORE photos?

Why do I only have before photosDear Diary, Today I realized that I have quite a collection of ‘BEFORE’ photos in my repertoire. I’m sure there are about 423 of them – and guess what diary? I don’t have a SINGLE ‘after’ photo.

Now do you suppose that I forgot to take that photo? Or maybe I never got to my ideal weight? OR, do you suppose I never truly defined what ‘after’ looked like so in my eyes I never got there?

Diary, today I am going to take an AFTER photo…. and I’m going to call it ‘AFTER’ my decision to change my life. What do you think?

after

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To Sag or Not to Sag

to sag or not to sag

To Sag or Not to Sag- Dear Diary, I have some crazy thinking going on inside my head and I could really use your help.

You know I have this plumpness about me right? My face is plump, my legs, belly and butt are plump and even though I am large, my plumpness seems to keep my skin looking supple…

So when I lose weight, will I sag everywhere? I don’t want everything I own to fall to China as I reduce. Is it just me or are other women concerned about whether they will look worse when they lose weight or not?

I’m thinking I should just continue eating cheap empty food that keeps me pleasantly plump, overweight and unhealthy – you know –  to keep me wrinkle and sag free. Just think of all the money I will save on plastic surgery – No?

IS THERE A 12 STEP PROGRAM FOR THAT?

Is there a 12 Step program for that

Dear Diary. When I began my wellness regime, I knew I would want to give up a few things to feel better and lose weight. I expected to miss those things and want to indulge in them from time to time. I presume everyone goes through that.

I’ve geared myself up to handle these cravings with gentleness and patience.

BUT – What really blew my mind was when I found myself trying to suck the salt out of my homemade vegetable soup. There was a bit of salt in there but apparently not enough to satisfy this insatiable desire to become a human salt lick. What happened to craving chocolate or sugar or pasta? With complete and utter surprise,  I would gladly trade them all in for a moment alone with my salt shaker. What the?

It has all become clear to me now…. all these years – the desire for cheese and chips was really all about the salt, wasn’t it?  Remove the pasta and the potato and leave a puddle of salt please.

I am actually angry when my food lacks enough salt. ANGRY…. can you believe it? Now that’s scary. And why hasn’t anyone mentioned this to me before? Not a doctor or a fellow over-eater. Does anyone else have a salt addiction? Is there a 12 Step Program for that?

All I know is my cankles are thanking me for the low sodium… but my tongue hates me with a passion.

Now that I can see my feet, I don’t want to

now that I can see my feet I dont want to

Dear Diary, Apparently when my feet were buried beneath the shadow of my belly I didn’t see them often enough, and they got pretty neglected. All that shade and I never noticed they had become lifeless and downright ugly. I am not sure If am I glad I don’t have a partner in my life to see this horror or this is WHY I don’t have a partner in my life?

My toenails are cut crooked because I had to hold my breath while bending over trying to reach each toe with one hand and snip with the clippers – exhale – and somehow I can never reach my pinky toes –  I’m so grateful no one has come close enough to get pierced.

At first I thought,  I could really use a pumice stone, but I’m thinking an electric sander with 25 grit paper would do about now. And how many shades of tanning from my shoes are there anyway? Oh, and I think my neighbors child crept over while I was sleeping in my chair and drew on my legs with a purple pen, because there are so many lines on my shins.  I wonder how long and how many pedi’s it will take for them to look like a woman’s feet again?

And I wonder what else this belly of mine was hiding.

Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t –

damned if I do damned if I dont

Dear Diary, why is it that those same people who were concerned about me losing weight for my health and well-being – Those very same people who would make faces when they witnessed the large quantities of food I ate at the restaurant last week – and those very same people who even if they never opened their mouths would ooze out their disapproval of my very existence as a large woman – WHY IS IT THAT THEY – those ‘loved ones’ are upset that I won’t go to dinner with them, eat at their house or eat ‘real food’?  Seems as though they want me to be JUST like them and their eating habits. I can’t win if I am trying to by their standards. So I will just have to be my own cheerleader and support system. They don’t have a clue. All I can do is love them and hope for Karma to step in.

My 400 ingredient Smoothie

My 400 Ingredient smoothie

Dear Diary, So if smoothies are good for me and I have a list of foods that are good for me – then if I put all those ingredients into my smoothie at one time and hold my nose while I drink it, do I get brownie points for inundating my body with all that it needs in one shot? I’m sure that’s how they make multi – vitamins.. only I didn’t dehydrate and encapsulate… right?  Just sayin

I’m sorry for saying ‘brownie’ points… rice cake points didn’t seem to have the same impact.

Why is everything I eat BROWN?

why is everything i eat brown diary of a mad dieterDear Diary, As a ‘most of the time’ vegetarian, my friend once asked me why everything I eat is brown. Now that’s not true of course but sometimes I do look at my food and wonder – Is that Mud or Mushroom pate? I don’t really mind the way it looks… but others seem to…. and it really puts a damper on things when they gag while I eat.  I try to let them taste it. The results vary from ‘mmmm’ with a pleasantly surprised look insinuating that they doubted anything good for you might taste OK to ‘OMG what the hell is that’? as they spit into a napkin while holding their stomach and running for a glass of water. (And they call me the drama queen)

Over the years, when I am eating well, I just keep my food to myself. Some may think I am being selfish as I hoard my personal serving. It’s really for self-preservation so I don’t have to feel bad, defensive or deprived. Go away and eat your french fries and leave me alone.