My Big Girl Chair – Dropped me like a hot potato

My big girl chairDear Diary, I purposely bought a folding chair that was comfortable and portable so I wouldn’t ‘worry’ that I was going to be without a place to sit in my yard or at the home of others. So why did it drop me like a hot potato the other day while I was enjoying my afternoon siesta?

There I was, minding my own business. Enjoying the lake view as the sun set behind the woods. What a glorious moment.  But then….when I tried to get up to go inside, something felt terribly ‘off’. As I pushed myself up from the arms I felt one shift, then another. Next thing you know I’m in the middle of a collapse that felt like a demolition site as the chair imploded – right from under me. One joint at a time. It was in slow motion. I went down in disbelief and without much resistance. I went for the ride. When I finally hit bottom surrounded by broken rusty screws and disassembled metal parts, I knew it was time to get up…. and I did, with the help of another chair to keep me from getting bruised in all the rubble. Thank goodness all that was bruised was my ego. Does anyone break a chair who is 120 pounds? If so, I’d love to hear from you.

My chair – it let me down – literally. I know I left it out in the rain several times. I know it’s 10 years old. I know I am 50 pounds more than its maximum weight… but HEY!

Amazon….. hurry up with my new chair.

Why is everything I eat BROWN?

why is everything i eat brown diary of a mad dieterDear Diary, As a ‘most of the time’ vegetarian, my friend once asked me why everything I eat is brown. Now that’s not true of course but sometimes I do look at my food and wonder – Is that Mud or Mushroom pate? I don’t really mind the way it looks… but others seem to…. and it really puts a damper on things when they gag while I eat.  I try to let them taste it. The results vary from ‘mmmm’ with a pleasantly surprised look insinuating that they doubted anything good for you might taste OK to ‘OMG what the hell is that’? as they spit into a napkin while holding their stomach and running for a glass of water. (And they call me the drama queen)

Over the years, when I am eating well, I just keep my food to myself. Some may think I am being selfish as I hoard my personal serving. It’s really for self-preservation so I don’t have to feel bad, defensive or deprived. Go away and eat your french fries and leave me alone.

Foot Spas and Large Bellies Don’t Mix

foot spa poster

Dear Diary, I tried to pamper myself last night with one of those foot spas.  I really thought I was doing a good thing for myself and my feet. After all, they carry a large amount of weight during the day.

So why then after I did all my ‘girl scout’ type  of preparation of bringing extra towels, having a comfy chair, placing the spa on a surface that could get wet, bringing Epsom salt and of course my smart phone to keep me company did I find out that foot spas and big bellies don’t mix?

I put in the water, turned on the heat, the vibrator and the bubbles. I sat in my comfy big girl folding chair to relax. I placed my feet slowly into the water and leaned back to enjoy.

Why Oh Why did I think I could lean over and splash water up on the still dry portion of my legs? What made me think my belly would allow that?

The last thing I can remember is that everything started happening at once – the chair tipping forward as I leaned forward,  I tried to take one very wet foot out of the spa to balance me but slipped instead and the spa decided to tilt and spill even more of my warm salty water all over the kitchen floor. Is anyone looking? Whew, no… but I still have a mess on my hands.

Thank goodness for the plethora of towels I brought.

I gave up trying to do what the smaller in size might find a no-brainer and just sat like a ‘good girl’ in my chair for the remaining time. It wasn’t that relaxing because now I was wondering where the next tidal wave was coming from. Will I ever do this again? Not without a helmet or a snorkel.

Am I pooped out yet?

Am I empty yetDear Diary, I am not sure if I am happy about this or not… after all, I do know that elimination is important to detox and feel better. I also know that I am probably clogged up from all the junk I’ve been eating. It’s just that I haven’t stopped pooping… several times a day.. at the store, wherever I am, my body says it’s ‘time’. So I’m asking…. and I’m sure I know the answer…. Am I empty yet?

Hip Hip Hooray!

Hip Hip Hooray

Dear Diary, I love when I notice something new changing every day. It’s inspiring and motivates me to keep going in the direction of wellness. Being large certainly takes its toll on my joints. I find myself walking to compensate for pain in my knees, hips, ankles or back. Well, today I feel so much less pressure on my hips. I feel as though I am walking with more ease and it’s such a wonderful feeling.  Dare I say that I can’t WAIT for more great conquests! Yes I dare!!!  I’m ready to feel my whole and complete wellness!

I’ve been managing to plan my food all in one shot. This really helps me because I am an emotional eater and if I don’t have something good to run to, then I run to the GOODIE stuff… So I prepared all meals at once and I’m not only proud of it, I feel as though the rest of my day is about other important things and it feels relaxing. I am so grateful.

3 Days in and I already feel better!

i feel better alreadyDear Diary, I started eating better 3 days ago. It amazes me how bad I can feel one day – bloated, achy and heavy breathing and in 3 days I feel more mobile and more mental clarity than I have in a long time. I woke in a better mood today and my joints feel better. I still have symptoms of my weight for goodness sakes, it’s only been 3 days after all, but I feel progress.YAY

It just baffles my why I try so hard to get on track for so long and then BAM, one day I feel like eating better with no effort at all. Sort of like when I gave up smoking 20 years ago. I couldn’t do it when I tried so hard, but then one day… I easily let them go.

I’m still in the ‘I wonder if this is going to last stage.” You know, feeling so good you want to build momentum and yet, leery because of what happened the last time when I felt this way? I must have gone back to wanting foods that hold me back more than I wanted to feel alive and free and feeling amazing.

I’m doing some different things now. I’m not setting so many boundaries and rules. I am committed to creating a gentle experience and not to white knuckle it this time. I meditate on how I see myself looking and feeling. Not a visual as much as a feeling or vibration. It’s amazing. It doesn’t feel like a vision at all, it feels like it’s the REAL me and not someone I am trying to become. I once read that when they asked Michelangelo how he made his statue of David he is reported to have said, “It is easy. You just chip away the stone that doesn’t look like David.”  Wouldn’t that be great if all I have to do is remove all the parts that aren’t the real Fran? I like the way it feels… so of course I will try.

I’m still using the scale to measure success. I would like to give that up. For now, I’ll humor myself. Fact is, if it doesn’t say 120 pounds, I’m going to be disappointed. That’s a long way away.